Born: June 9, 1972
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November 22, 2003 at 09:19 am
More sober than sober...
I feel like the last few days of my life should be rated like a movie.
Warning: contains stark emotional content. Viewer beware.
People seem to think that most drug addicts and alcoholics are using their “substance” to escape the pangs of everyday life. Yesterday, I realized that those of us who are not addicted to any pain-easing substances have no idea what we’re talking about. We equate others’ trials with the ones that we have had and consequently, produce very judgmental attitudes: if I can get through my life without anesthetizing myself, so can everyone else!
What we don’t understand (and can’t until something traumatic happens to us) is that there is a level of “life” that most of us never see. That place where everything is stripped away and all that’s left is bare bones and nerve endings. A sober that is much more than sober. Could it be that some alcoholics only ever drink themselves back to where we currently are?
Whether you comprehend what I’m saying or not, the last few days have felt this way to me. It’s like the air that surrounds me is painful. Sounds and smells and tastes aren’t quite right; the provenance of weight impending. My skin hurts and seems…thinner. My eyes feel like the desert. Even though I’ve been an “adult” for over 10 years now, these last three days have drained me of every last bit of childhood that I was still grasping at. I don’t feel like music or art or poem. I feel like bills and contracts and forms-in-triplicate.
My breath wouldn’t produce steam on a 30 degree morning.
I can relate with those who want to numb what they feel. It’s not an escape from anything we average human beings can appreciate. If we felt what they feel all of the time, we might sneak a glimpse of understanding.
Twenty-four hour anguish. The Lord assures us that it will be brief. My heart weeps for those who have had to endure it for the long-drawn-out.
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What these people didn’t understand is exactly what you are talking about. Anti depressants didn’t make me loopy or numb me. They just brought me up to something like “normal”. I didn’t take anti-deps to be high, I took them so I could function. I would imagine that drug and alcohol addicts, whose brain chemistry is altered just as surely as a depressive’s is, indulge for the same reason.
Thank you for such a powerful words, Tim. I’ll be praying that your spirits will be lifted soon.