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July 15, 2004 at 1:46 pm

Mortality, part 2

Dependence.

I’ve always depended on people. But, aside from my childhood, I don’t think that I ever really needed to depend on anyone. In fact, I don’t even know if I ever really wanted to depend on anyone unless I knew that I was in control.

My wife.

Julianna was the first person to whom I declared unabashed dependency (whether she wanted me to or not). Depending on Julianna felt natural; it was real and dependence to her was never, ever preceded by the dreaded prefix, “co.”

But, dependence works both ways, see? I found comfort in my dependence and soon, so did Julianna.

Had anyone ever depended on me before? I mean, really?

Maybe… Maybe not.

Mortality taps his grimy, pointy, uncomfortable finger on my shoulder and says, “You never wanted to be independent anyway, did you?”

I jerk away, but still feel his warm breath upon my neck.

No, I found my dependence. And I don’t want to lose it. And I don’t want to take it away either!

“No,” Mortality says, “you never really believed that.”

So, what if I didn’t?

What if I didn’t?

He’s right, you know… Old Mortality.

I always considered myself an independent.

But now I need to depend. I mean, it’s crucial that I depend — my wife is a part of me…my medication is in my left, front pocket.

And I need to be depended upon — an idea that can no longer be taken lightly; a reality that isn’t mine to control anymore.

(Read more entries on my mortality.)

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