Tim Samoff // Weblog (old)

November 20, 2004

Joe Myers Notes...

Yesterday, I mentioned that I would post the notes I took at Joe Myers‘ discussion on his book, The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community and Small Groups. The problem was that my Mac (i.e., my “Palm-enabled” computer) has been in pieces since we moved into our house a few months ago. This morning, I broke down and got everything working on my PeeCee, so I could get the notes off of my Palm Pilot — as well as Sync my Palm for the first time in God-knows-how-long.

Anyway, below are the notes from the discussion…

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Disclaimer: The notes presented here are a mixture of direct dictation from Joe Myers’ lecture, as well as some of my own paraphrasing and thoughts. Even so, I will state that this information in its entriety will remain the property of Joe Myers (including any copyrights he may hold for any of the information contined herewithin).

In keeping with my own ideals for making everything contained in this Weblog accessible to the reader, I have added the Creative Commons license, Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 (meaning that you can copy the information as long as attribution is always included with the information, the information is not used for commercial purposes, and the information is not altered in any way).

Finally, if you have any questions about anything I’ve included below, please don’t hesitate to ask.

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JOE MEYERS – Jacob’s Well, 11/18/04

BELONGING AND CONNECTING

“The Search To Belong” (Book by Joe Myers)

——

PEOPLE DON’T BELONG TO US, WE BELONG TO PEOPLE

Belonging can happen w/out us even knowing it — people choose to belong to us, we don’t get to choose that (i.e., there may be people who “belong” to us — people who have chosen to make us their friend/ally — w/out us ever knowing or finding out).

People may be part of our lives through connections we never know.

——

BELIEVING AND BELONGING

There are many people who desire to belong before they believe.

Historically, our institutional church experience has told us that people must believe before they belong.

Is this right, or should we allow for the prior?

——

COMMUNICATIONS THEORY

Edward Hall (Communications Theory)

Came up w/ the following levels of communication and culture:

• Public
• Social
• Personal
• Intimate

What Hall didn’t ask was, “How do these levels affect “belonging”? But, as Myers has found, these levels are exactly how belonging works as well.

——

PUBLIC BELONGING

Very significant in our lives.

E.g.:

• Sports fans
• Memorabilia Collectors
• Enthusiats of varying kinds
• Etc.

This level helps to identify who people are — i.e., their identity.

——

SOCIAL BELONGING

Sharing “snap shots” of our lives.

Often called “superficial” — small talk, surface information, etc… This is where people try to connect w/ others beyond the “Public” layer.

This is where we start piecing together who people are as a whole.

Along with our social interaction w/ others, we also engage ourselves in “Social Self-Talk”:

• I’m too fat.
• I beat my wife.
• I drink too much.
• Etc.

We all do it daily… The is usually information that we keep to ourselves.

The danger is that the Social Self-Talk sometimes never goes away — it can also become more important to us than the things we tell others about.

But, Social Self-Talk can be positive too… The thing about Social Self-Talk: it usually isn’t something that we disclose to others…because it usually is an exageration.

——

PERSONAL BELONGING

Where we connect because of “private” experience.

We need to stop overusing the word “intimate” to mean “personal.” It is diffusing the word and creating confusion between the two separate spaces of belonging.

Don’t think that, just because this level isn’t intimate, people don’t value it as a deeply significant part of their life (and this goes for every level spoken of here).

There are occasions when Personal Belonging must move into Intimate Belonging to continue, but Personal Belonging may also end up being that space in which a relationship flourishes.

——

INTIMATE BELONGING

Where we connect because of “naked & unashamed” experience. (BTW, one can be embarrassed w/out being ashamed.) NOT AT ALL the same as Personal.

Studies have shown that human beings are created to handle (i.e., be responsible for) 1 to 3 Intimate relationships in our entire lives. Adding to this can cause significant stress and even identity issues…

Therefore, it is actually “mean” to force intimacy on people when they don’t ask — sometimes, people just aren’t ready to accept the surprise of new responsibility.

——

THE LEVELS ARE DIFFERENT BUT EQUAL

None of these levels are “deeper” than the others — they are all significant in one way or another in our lives. While the levels may manifest differently in individuals, they are always all present. Also, the different levels may become more evident throughout changing “seasons” — sometimes we live much more publicly or socially, though it doesn’t mean the other levels are gone. Last, we move between these different levels so quickly that sometimes we can’t even tell which ones we are operating in.

——

BELONGING AND GOD

In relation w/ God, we can move through these same levels.

E.g.:

“Do you have a relationship w/ Jesus Christ?”

• He’s my Creator.
• He’s my Lord & Savior.
• Jesus and I are buddies.
• He’s my closest & very best friend.

And we can think any one of these or all of these — every one is true and authentic and every one is significant.

——

THE JOURNEY TO BELONGING

There are two paths through these levels of belonging and relationship:

• Forward (moving through one level, furthering the relationship only on that level)
• Closer/Deeper (moving down through the levels — possibly from Public all the way to Intimate)

Both of these are necessary in life, but while some people be needing one at some point, others are needing another.

Also, understand that Forward can also mean Backward & Closer/Deeper can also mean Shallower (or disengaging) — one will move through these levels in whichever ways their life requires (i.e., don’t just draw the arrows one way).

Click the illustration at the right to enlarge it.

——

BACK TO GOD

The biggest question… Which method of moving through these levels does God desire?

The answer… Probably both (Forward & Closer/Deeper) at different times of life.

Sometimes people help us to move Forward through a level w/ God in order that we can move Closer/Deeper w/ Him in our personal lives.

Conversely, though we desire to grow Closer/Deeper w/ God, maybe He is holding us at one level, for a time, in order that we move Forward before we can go Closer/Deeper.

Lastly, as a thought:

• Does God even want to go Closer/Deeper w/ all of us? Or does He even want to be Intimate with us all of the time? Maybe… But what/who tells us this is the case? (Scripture is much more clear about how God desires to save a People not a person — this is one reason why Jews feel like Christians are arrogant).

——

A LITTLE APPLICATION

When people come looking for close, deep, intimate relationships, on the large scale, they really aren’t looking for that — it’s usually just the only way that they have learned to express what they’re trying to find.

If people choose to belong to us, we must help these people on all four levels — learning to relate publicly, socially, and personally will help us all find the relationships that may, in time, become intimate.

After that, they may choose to stay or leave — it is only our job to help.

——

FINAL NOTES

• One of the things I neglected to take notes on was the ratios of growth of the different levels that indicated healthy lives. There are studies that show healthy & unhealthy lives and relationships based on these ratios — whether the numbers indicate too much/too little growth in some levels or stagnation, etc., or if there’s a “proper” growth rate (as shown by the studies). Click the photo of Joe Myers (above) to enlarge it and see the illustration of an “unhealthy” rate of growth between the levels on thw whiteboard.
• Also, I didn’t note the connection of these levels to sex — that healthy sexual relationships require growth in all of these levels as well.
• Lastly, the idea of “Connetion by an Outside Resource” isn’t noted here (e.g., Jews are connected to God because they’re Jewish). This is also an important piece of the puzzle.

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